调：Ab major
Verse 1
Gm
I guess I've always wished
as a comedian
I could talk more about sex and shit,
That sound. heh heh heh heh.
You would think laughter
would hurt the most.
The dead fucking silence that there is.
The collective hush of like.
That just sounded true, didn't it?
Either that or yeah,
just like, yeah, that figures.
I just, yeah, I realized a long time ago
sex is just not my major selling
point.
You know, like, I had a girlfriend in college,
we broke up, it was an ugly breakup,
you know, where, like,
cars get scratched and shit.
Her car got scratched.
done fucking better than the car.
A couple weeks go by,
one of her friends comes up to me,
she's like, ah, she's talking shit on you.
telling everybody you got a little dick
and I'm ready to get man
I'm like was anybody surprised
I mean like who was looking at me
before that going
I bet he's packing fucking thunder
I mean women don't look at
me like that like
I bet he'll tear it up no they look at me
like
I bet he'll hold my purse and I
Well, I'm just happy to be here, really.
Yeah, it's just,
the penis -sized thing.
I mean, because I had to.
Like, I had a friend when I was younger,
he's like, dude, you
should shave your pubes.
It'll make your dick look bigger.
I'm like, how long are your
fucking pubes?
I mean, like, if they're that long, your dick's not the only thing hiding in there, you're gonna,
you're gonna find other shit.
It's like, hey, there's a gummy bear,
there's a gummy bear,
there's, it was pineapple.
Yeah, I just, sex is, I've realized, I guess I've,
you know, I've realized over the years,
as far as like,
yeah, I realized over the years
as far as like straight dudes go,
I'm pretty shocking.
I'm pretty timid. weird, like, because
when I was still dating, like,
to find out what some women's interpretation
of what all men are like.
I'm like, who the fuck are you dating?
All of you men are the same.
All of you, all of you cheat.
All of you like anal.
I'm like, I think you were just raped.
I don't think that was...
Did any of this happen in the woods, by chance?
That's fucking terrible. Who
did that shit?
Because I'm just not like... I don't...
It's always...
I've always wondered
how people evolved to that
point.
Maybe it's because I haven't
had enough sex
to get to the point where sex itself just
isn't thrilling enough anymore.
Like, this just doesn't do...
I don't know, fucking pee on me.
Just, I try it, I try it. Like, do some people try that and go,
yeah, don't fucking do that again.
That wasn't mine.
But they,
I just never understood people.
Like, I had a roommate,
I had a roommate
when I first moved to LA.
We had like a three
bedroom apartment.
One of my roommates
had a girl over one night.
It's like two o 'clock in the morning,
G
out of breath.
He's like, dude, she's a freak.
I'm like, well, tell her I said hi.
I mean, why are you here right now?
He's like, nah, she's cool.
He's like, would you care to join us?
I'm like, did you just try to make that
sound fucking polite?
I mean, like there's candlelight
and a play setting over there for me
and I'm gonna go put a napkin on my lap
and double team your girl,
no, that's fucking creepy.
I still think about that happened 12 years ago, like I still think about,
that would never cross my
G
mind.
There's never been a time I'm having sex that I'm like,
there's just not enough fucking dudes here right now.
I don't feel right. I just,
gonna go make some calls
because this is, I need backup.
It's fucking weird, like I just never have
F
G
Like, I just, I don't understand how people do, like, it's, you know, I've always been pretty, pretty timid with,
I always feel like, you know, like, you just, you know, like, you try to get too into it,
you know, guys, like, slap asses, I'm like, pssh, sorry, you know, I'm just,
C
F
G
Bb
G
I just feel bad, you know, pulling out, I'm like, I made a big mess back here,
I'm sorry about that. But, yeah, I
you know, like, stuff like strip clubs.
Like, you know, when I was a kid, you know,
like, when I was a teenager,
I can't wait to go to a titty bar.
Then you go to one, it's like, oh,
I'm sad.
You know? Can they buy
a new fucking CD?
I mean, Jesus. Sounds like a fucking
I mean... But it's weird, like, I can't get into it, like, but some guy, like, I'd never had a lap dance till I was 30. Like,
I didn't care. Like, it was just, we were on tour, and we, after the show,
and we, my, one of the other guys on tour,
was like, you've never had a lap dance?
I'm getting you a lap dance.
Tonight, you are getting a lap dance.
Like it was a fucking polio
vaccine
or some shit.
Like, I, like, I had to have this to live.
It's just weird,
I don't think of it as an erotic experience,
I'm just like, here's a stranger
with their butt on my jeans right now, I'm
like, I need a lot of fucking Febreze
when I leave here. just...
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