I think per haps the
most astonishing thing
that has ever happened to me,
and, uh, well,
I really have had an astonishing life.
I'm not suggesting that you haven't.
I don't know about you,
but I certainly have had.
But I think perhaps the most amazing,
the most really unbelievable thing
that ever happened to me was in a little pub,
which is not very far from the Palladium,
actually.
It's a little pub called the
Old Cow and Crumpet.
Lots of old cows.
Well, one day I happened to be standing there
at the bar, practically standing,
and I was enjoying a very nice pint
of Olden Filthy,
and I was listening to the radio,
and somebody was playing the piano,
and I'm rather fond of the piano, actually.
And a chap standing next to me
said, do you like the piano?
And I said, yes, very much,
especially when somebody plays it,
in cracking form.
And he said, I've got a
cat that plays the piano.
I said,
yes, I've got a ferret that plays the flute.
Well, to be perfectly frank with you,
I didn't say that.
I said something rather disgusting.
But still, he said, don't
you believe me?
So I said, no,
I'm not such a fool as I look.
Of course, it was a lie,
but still, you can't be sure.
He said, look here, he said,
if you disbelieve me, he said,
why don't you come back
to my place
and have a butcher's.
He said, seeing is believing,
and the proof of the pudding is in the eating,
and last man's
through, shut the gate.
So I thought, well, why not?
Nothing to lose.
So I went back to his house,
little semi -detached house it was, and we went in,
and I did shut the gate
because he went ahead of me
to open the door, of course.
And we went in, and this nice little house,
very pleasant,
and there was the cat,
also semi -detached, I noticed.
He was a Tom.
And he looked at this cat
and he said, Tom.
The cat's name was Tom.
At I presume it was.
Otherwise he would have called it
Ernie or Nellie
or something like that.
It very short -sighted if called it Nellie,
but go on.
He said, Tom, he said,
give us a tune on the old Johanna, will
you?
And you know, you will never believe
this.
He didn't have to kick it up,
he didn't have to encourage
it.
The cat walked straight across to the piano,
nipped aboard the old piano
stool
and started to play.
I thought he was trying
to kid you
he played very well. He didn't.
But he did knock out
a very amusing little tune.
And I said to the fellow,
what a wonderful cat.
And I said, but this lovely tune
that he's playing,
what is it?
He said, I don't know.
He said he writes all his own music.
I said, no, no, no.
I said, you're pulling my paw.
He said, no, honest, honest.
He said, writes every note.
I said, but that's the most beautiful tune,
it's a lovely tune.
I said, why don't you get it orchestrated?
Do you know that cat
was out of the room
before you could see...