调：Ab major•
Verse 1
Hey everybody,
and thanks for buyin' my brand
new Christmas CD.
I love doin' Christmas CDs,
cause I can do different
things.
specials.
Boy, they was fun.
Andy Williams, Perry Como,
Hustler on Ice.
Well, maybe that last one wasn't very Christmassy,
I'd get box seats for that.
I wonder what an old -time radio
Larry the Cable Guy
Christmas Spectacular
show would be like.
Boy, that'd be something to hear.
I bet that would be...
I bet it would go something
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like this.
With your host Larry the Cable Guy,
Getter Gun, Santa Claus, Rudolph,
the Prophet Muhammad,
the June Taylor Dancers,
Aerosmith, Angelina Jolie,
and Jessica Simpson.
And here's your host, Larry
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you, everybody.
Everybody, thank you so much!
Boy, we gonna have some fun.
mas show.
Trust me,
it's not gonna be that good.
Cramming it.
You know, I've been wanting to
do this show
since Rosie O'Donnell was a
thin, straight boy.
So you can sense the excitement.
Let me ask y 'all a question.
Did you ever take so long to open
a condom wrapper
that the girl ripped the duct tape with
her teeth and got away?
Alright, that
has nothing to do with Christmas.
I was just pulling the crowd
for a friend of mine.
But don't you love Christmas?
I tell you I do. As a teenager,
my favorite part of Christmas
was having to train around the Christmas tree every
year.
But that girl got sent to reform school,
so we didn't do it after that.
On Christmas Eve,
I like to get my wife as hot as I can
and then have sex.
I call it chestnuts roastin'
in an open fire.
Some people give guys
colognes as gifts.
Cologne is just perfume,
If you see a brute wearin'
leather chaps
and a Stetson,
you're in a gay bar, son.
Tell you what I hate doin',
buyin' presents for relatives
you don't even like.
I got an uncle. I just know it.
stole my blender last year
at the Christmas party.
So this year, I just sent him a
Christmas card
with a little note that said,
I was gonna buy you a blender,
but I'm pretty sure you already have one,
asshole.
Probably my favorite Christmas
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memory
asked his girlfriend,
who was 78 years old,
to marry him in front of the whole
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family in front of the Christmas tree.
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Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday.
He got down on one knee and two testicles
When she said yes, boy,
Grandpa got so excited he pooped his pee bag.
Who would have thought that we would have buried him
three weeks later after they had sex and he lit a match
and his oxygen tank exploded, killing him.
But let's talk Christmas.
Let's talk the food traditions.
You ever wonder how some foods
become Christmas mainstays?
For example,
I always get those Pepperidge Farm gift baskets.
They suck!
What kind of crappy gift is that?
Since when did Pepperidge
Farm's gift baskets
become such a tradition at the holiday
season?
I guess them are the gifts you get
when you wait till the last
minute
out of lighters
-one finger clipper flashlight
tire pressure gauge gifts.
Pepperidge Farm's gift baskets.
Nothin' says happy birthday, Jesus,
like a two -foot meatlog
and some spicy mustard.
Here's another piece -of -crap gift.
Fruitcake. They suck too! I know,
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I know.
Everybody makes fun of fruitcakes.
Hey, anybody wanna
eat a doorstop?
Good God, I firmly believe
there's only one fruitcake
in the world
and people pass it around like a hot potato.
I don't get fruitcake.
Fruit is supposed to be good for you.
Cake is supposed to be
bad for you.
What kind of numbnut
decided to put them two foods
together?
Would anybody eat crack salad
or poop soup?
Good lord, me either.
Plus, people call idiots fruitcakes.
No other food is used as an insult
in this country.
You don't hear people going,
You stupid lasagna!
Look at that frickin'
hamburger.
Look at that stupid son of a Bratwurst.
Please, let's stamp
out fruitcake
in our lifetime.
There's another food
I don't like.
Peanut brittle.
Boy, that sucks.
You ever eat peanut brittle?
It's like biting into little
sheets of glass.
My cousin sneezed last year
with a mouthful of peanut brittle
and half the family
ended up in the emergency room
with shrapnel wounds.
Here's a food that has me shakin'
for the straight guy waitin' on test
results.
Mincemeat pie.
Worst food ever.
You ever eat one of them?
Here's the traditional recipe
for this piece of crap.
Take everything out
of the refrigerator
that looks like it's about to go bad,
put it in a pie shell,
and bake it at 350 degrees
until you stop laughin'.
And finally, I'm sick and tired of all these libs and commies
in this country wantin' to ban manger scenes
and the word Christmas
because it talks about Jesus.
I mean good Lord that's what the holiday is,
Christmas.
It's about the birth of
Christ.
I mean for Pete's sake we Christians only have three holidays a year,
Easter, Christmas
and the Daytona 500.
All you whiny libs can kiss
my holiday ass.
Let tell you something,
we celebrate Christmas in this country
and we've been doing it ever
since the Lord come here on the Mayflower
with the pilgrims
and baptized the Indians.
You know it, I know it,
and the American people know it.
So hey, let's have a good time
at the Christmas show.
Enjoy it everybody.
We'll be right back after
the commercial message.
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