调：C major
Verse 1
Welcome to the National
Cheese Emporium.
Ah, thank you, my good man.
on Thurman Street just now,
skimming through Rogue Herries
by Hugh Walpole,
Ah, hungry. In a nutshell.
And I thought to myself,
a little fermented curd will do the trick.
So, I curtailed my wall
Fm
G
...sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance,
of some cheesy comestibles.
I want to buy some cheese.
about the bouzouki player.
Oh, heaven forbid!
in all manifestations
of the Terpsichorean mules.
Sorry?
Ooh, I like a nice tune
you've forged, too.
So he can go on playing, can he?
Most certainly.
Now then, some cheese,
please, my good man.
Certainly, sir.
What would you like?
Well, how about a little Red Leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester,
sir.
Oh, never mind.
How are you on Tilt -It?
I'm afraid we never have that
at the end of the week, sir.
We'll get it fresh on Monday.
Tish, tish. No matter.
Well, Stout Yeoman,
four ounces of Cafillia,
if you please.
Ah, it's been on order,
sir, for two weeks.
I was expecting it this morning.
It's not my lucky day, is it? Belfay, is it?
Sorry, sir. Red Windsor?
Normally, sir, yes.
Today, the van broke down.
Ah. Stilton?
Sorry. Emmental, Gruyere?
No. Any Norwegian Jarlsberger,
per chance?
No. Liptar?
No. Lancashire?
No. White Stilson?
No. Danish Brew?
No. Double Gloucester?
No. Cheshire?
No. Dorset Blue Vinny?
No. Brie, Roquefort, Pont -le -Vec, Port Salou,
Savoyard, St. Paula,
Carre de l 'Est,
Brest Bleu, Boursin?
No. Camembert, perhaps?
Ah, we have Camembert, yes.
You do? Excellent.
Yes, sir.
Oh, I like it runny.
Well, it's very runny, actually.
No matter.
Fetch hither the fromage
de la Belfrance.
I think it's a bit runnier
than you'll like it, sir.
I don't care how
fucking runny it is.
Hand it over with all speed.
Oh! What now?
The cat's eaten it. Pass it.
She's a... Gouda?
No. Edam?
No. Caseness?
Smoked Austrian?
No. Japanese sage darby?
No, sir.
You do have some cheese, do you?
Of course, sir.
It's a cheese shop, sir.
No, no, don't tell me.
I'm keen to guess.
Fair enough.
Er, Wensleydale? Yes.
Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
Oh, I thought you were talking to me,
sir.
G
Greek feta?
Er, not as such.
Er, gorgonzola?
No. Parmesan? Mozzarella?
No. Pepper crema?
Danish bimbo?
No. Czech sheep's milk?
No.
A Venezuelan beaver cheese?
Not today, sir. I know.
Ah, how about cheddar?
Well, we don't get much call for it
round here, sir.
Not much call?
It's the single most popular cheese
in the world.
It's round here, sir.
And what is the most popular
cheese round here?
Ilchester, sir. Is it?
Oh, yes, sir.
It's staggeringly popular in
this manor, sir.
Is it?
It's our number one best seller, sir. I see.
Uh, Ilchester, eh?
Right, sir. Right, eh?
Have you got any, he asked,
expecting the answer no.
I'll have a look, No.
It's not much of a cheese shop, is
it?
Finest in the district,
Explain the logic
underlying that conclusion, Clare.
Well, it's so cheap, sir.
It's certainly uncontaminated
by cheese.
sir.
Have you...
Shut that bloody bazooka up!
Told you, sir.
Have you got any Limburger?
No. Figures.
Predictable,
really, I suppose.
was an act of purest optimism
to oppose the question
in the first place.
Tell me. Yes, sir?
Have you, in fact,
got any cheese here at all?
Yes, sir.
Really?
No, not really, sir.
You haven't? No, sir.
Not a scrap.
I was deliberately wasting
your time, sir.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Right -o, sir.
What a senseless waste of human life.
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